A Supreme Ruler for Everyone

April Fools! The content of this post is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur or Rollins College or to be taken as factual in any way.

Here we are again at another election year and many Americans have no idea where to place their vote this November. Some Democrats are not completely sold on Obama and the GOP is having difficulty choosing among a slew of candidates.

Whoever is chosen to represent the Republicans is going to have stiff competition against President Obama, but ultimately this does not mean either is the best candidate for our nation. While we might be used to presidents from these two classic parties, what if we elected someone who defies the boundaries of the left and right?

Enter Vermin Supreme, an Independent who calls himself a “friendly Fascist” who would not mind running this nation. Supreme is a definite break from the norm, even in his appearance.

Instead of wearing stuffy, custom-made suits with stiff striped ties, candidate Supreme dons a yellow animal print jacket and several ties. The ties represent the topics that we Americans hold dear, from dollar signs (the economy) to dentists’ chairs (health care)to stars and stripes (American values). His attire is a reflection of what we care about. Supreme sports a Dumbledore-like beard, which appeals to the kids and the kids-at-heart. He also wears a rubber boot on his head, but that is only for stylish flair.

In a forum held in New Hampshire last December, Supreme said, “I am a tyrant that you should trust, and you should let me run your life because I do know what is best for you.” And that is what we need in the U.S.: a no nonsense dictator who will control our every move. It worked in powerful nations such as ancient Rome and Soviet Russia without a hitch — how come it cannot work here in the States? If elected president, Supreme would create a mandatory tooth brushing law, which we all know is in everyone’s best interest. Fresh breath for everyone? That is a policy I can support!
The most important of Supreme’s goals is to provide a pony for all Americans. His pony plan would reduce our dependence on foreign oil and be used as a federal identifier, which would be less of a hassle than carrying around cards or papers and would save some trees in the process.

A universal pony plan would definitely benefit Rollins College. There would be less of a parking problem on campus if everyone let his or her respective pony graze on Mills Lawn. Having a pony used to be every child’s dream, but if Vermin Supreme is elected president, it would be the American Dream.

For the next four years, we need someone with a firm hand to turn this country around while boosting morale. Supreme is the man for the job. He may have an interesting outlook on how to run America, but being secure in his beliefs is what will push him along in American politics. Vermin Supreme is an extreme change in which we can believe.

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