April Fools: Beer Solves Budget Burden

beer

In a shocking turn of events, after recent administration disgruntlement at the idea of a pub replacing Dave’s Down Under, the college has embraced the idea of serving alcohol to students.

The Rollins Food and Drink Administrative Board made an announcement yesterday morning that the Cornell Campus Center will be replacing the little-used gluten-free station with a full bar with specially-trained bartenders ready to create any drink you concoct.

“The college was struggling with budget problems, and we realized that the solution was right under our noses,” said administrator Anita Drink.

“Students were asking for a campus pub, and the revenue brought in by providing students with something they were just going to buy down the street anyway is projected to not only pay off the current budget problems but create enough of an income to create future scholarship funds for students.”

Embracing the college-student drinking world, the college is planning to create future programs encouraging students to purchase alcohol for the sake of a cause. By combining the SHIP scholarship program and Dance Marathon, certain drinking events hosted by the college will donate proceeds to scholarship accounts for students in need or various national charities.

“I can’t wait to be able to drink on campus! It will make it so much easier to cool off after a bad day and not have to worry about all of the extra money I will have to spend taking cabs to downtown Orlando,” said alcohol enthusiast Miliva Hatesme ’15.

Campus Security agreed with Hatesme’s thoughts, supporting the change and stating that offering alcohol to students on campus would actually alleviate safety risks. “While it might increase petty crime on campus, it will stop some students from wandering down Fairbanks drunk at 3 a.m. or attempting to drive back from downtown Orlando inebriated. By keeping students on campus, we can monitor their alcohol consumption, get them to their dorms, and get them medical attention if needed.”

The only concern raised by Campus Security about the new program was preventing underage drinking; however a new R-Card system will hopefully prevent the college from serving alcohol to minors.

Students over the age of 21 will receive a new style R-Card, more reminiscent of the prettier format used before Rollins changed to the current hideous blue monstrosities in fall 2010.

These cards will include a chip easily scanned by Campus Police that includes the student’s dorm building and room number, emergency contact information, and disclosed medical problems in case of a medical emergency.

Students over the age of 21 will need to visit the newly formed Campus R-Card Exchange Office near Campus Security to receive their new R-Card.

In addition, students wanting to participate in the plan will need to purchase an additional dining plan this fall. Students will be able to purchase alcohol with this special new meal plan, the Drinking Package.

Like the Dining Plan, this plan will be non-refundable. Options will include the society drinker ($200 a semester), the pub fiend ($400 a semester), the socialite ($700 a semester), and the constant hangover ($1500 a semester). Students and parents can add money to these accounts at any time.

Guests visiting the campus will need to pick up an alcohol pass which they can put money on from Campus Security after proving their age in order to purchase alcohol at the pub. Cash will not be accepted.

This new addition to the dining options will also provide new students with an opportunity to drink throughout the day and night. Although the regular food stations will still only remain open during regular dining hours, the bar will stay open from breakfast at 7 a.m. until the Grille closes at 2 a.m., making it the longest-available food option on campus.

Students are encouraged to email suggested bar names to sandspur@rollins.edu. A campus-wide vote will be conducted alongside SGA President Elections to encourage student participation in their student government.

The bar is scheduled to open in Fall 2014.

April Fools! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.

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