April Fools: Bush Goes Back Down

March 27, 2014 Features

Science portables replace Bush Science Building.

Due to recent budget cuts, Rollins College has officially decided to tear down the new Bush Science Center, again, deciding the old system of portables awkwardly situated in between Holt Hall and the Sutton Apartments as being a far superior option in regards to yearly cost and efficiency. The much-anticipated new science building has been more or less agreed upon to be a complete failure by all that have had the misfortune to use it in the past year. Students have reported that their money has been sucked away from the delicious smoothies offered there and that the library seemed like a distant memory since all their needs could be met in the new building. In fact, faculty and students alike complained that the attractiveness of the interior of the building distracted from most work and would serve much better as the old dirt crater it was warmly embraced as for much of 2012 and 2013 during initial construction.

“I just miss all the construction noise, you know?” said student Seymour Butz ‘16. “I really couldn’t start my day until I woke up to the three-hours straight of drilling and whining of machinery.” Seymour might be in luck, as the school board has also decided to use the Bush building space as a new skate park for the bros and bras to show their sick moves. President Duncan admitted that after seeing a senior pull off an impressive 180 and an Ollie outside his office, he knew that the school  needed a safe location for everyone to hone their “transportation unit” skills. Construction overseer Hank Eapanki said that the new skate park would be constructed with that goal in mind, being “safe for bikes, skateboards, long boards, roller blades, scooters, and even the lone unicycle, if you felt up to it.”

Indeed, residents of Holt Hall and the Sutton Apartments couldn’t be more overjoyed at the news. “I didn’t think that parking was that big of a deal,” says Junior Shea Veurbush ’15. “I got a deep sense of satisfaction watching all the miserable science students trek all the way over from Elizabeth and Strong to take their classes over here. I’m glad we’re reinstating the old system.” Veurbush, a resident of Sutton, is roommates with Terry Dactul ’15, a Bio-Chemistry major. Dactul, unfortunately, can only communicate via high-pitched shrieks and flapping of her 16 ft. wingspan, so Veurbush had to translate for me during my interview.  “Terry says that she’s glad that she doesn’t have to leave far from Sutton now to finish her science classes, that way she isn’t away from the nest for too long,” Veurbush tells me, holding up to me a large, bluish-white egg. “Neat,” I reply.

Upon further investigation, I could not find one defender of the new Bush Science Center. “It’s been an eye sore my entire last year – this isn’t the memory I wanted to take with me as I graduate,” says Jack Kass ’14. “Now I’m going to leave bitter that the students after me are going to get such a great new skating facility.” Even the science faculty had no kind words for the extremely expensive mistake – “I don’t work here, stop badgering me,” said one grown-ass man wearing a lab coat walking down the halls of the science building. As he turned to leave, I noticed he had one of Veurbush’s eggs in the crook of his arm – a thief! I reached out to retrieve it but the man sidestepped me and fled down the stairs like a deranged madman, screaming “Catch me if you can, sonny boy!” on his descent. I sat stunned that such a terrible building such as the Bush Science Center could foster such despicable villains.

The new skate park will be constructed over the soon-to-be-demolished Bush Science Center and the old science portables will be replaced over the new Sutton parking lot before the fall 2014 semester starts. In-training Peer Mentors and RA’s for the fall will have the first chance to test out a sick jump off the rails of the new skate park; the first person who lands a 360 kickflip off the central rail will have the park named after them.

April Fools! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.

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