A wise and witty man once said, “Sex is my favorite sport—it’s free and doesn’t require any special shoes.” While this mantra
is truly charming, the idea of sex calling for no special attire is hardly the case. Of course I am perfectly aware that the sexual act is performed in the buff, excusing certain endeavors of course. But deciding on the proper underwear or lingerie for the varying stage of your relationship can be a serious mindfuck.
The idea of writing about the fashion of sex came to me while shopping with my friend Lindsey the other week. She and her newest boy toy were planning a weekend trip to the beach (got to love Florida, the beach in February), and as we shopped the questions of what to wear became truly overwhelming.
While perusing the intimates section of Victoria’s Secret she frequently stopped, held up a pair of dainty panties and asked, “Do you think this is too slutty?” Meanwhile, I was undergoing a similar predicament. My birthday was quickly approaching, and Tyler and I had a weekend getaway planned for Savannah to celebrate. So following the mall, Lizzie and I stopped at the Adult Store to peruse male lingerie and decide on my own selection of intimates.
This time the question was, “Wait, is this slutty enough?” The difference in the maturity of our relationships was responsible for this paradigm shift regarding slutty-ness. And thus, the idea of creating this how-to guide emerged. Find the phase of your relationship and read my buying tips for shopping the lingerie department. Emerging Couples: Let the self-consciousness begin. The early days of any relationship are filled with butterflies and qualms of inadequacy. These first few times of sexual activity really do set the foundation for the entire relationship, and making sure you wear the right apparel is truly important.
Ladies, this is not the time to bust out your lacy bustiers and see-through panties. Slow your roll. You want to entice your lover into a sexual relationship that can stand the test of time—or at least until next Valentine’s Day. Do you really want your new partner to classify you as a super slut? (The question is rhetorical, but the answer should be an affirmative NO.) At the same time, you should not wear crappy sports bras in the beginning stages either. Nothing says turn-off more than your sweaty Lululemon sportswear.\
Instead, try pieces that are within a neutral color palate and flatter your figure. Have those sweet girls at Vickie’s reaffirm that you are wearing the right size (those poor sales associates have seen way too many pairs of tits). Plus always bring a friend to help make sure you’re not buying something that is too much for this early dating stage.
Gents, I know that no heterosexual male has ever paid much mind to the boxers he’s wearing that day. But at least try to wear a clean pair. There is nothing more nauseating than unwrapping a guy who’s wearing a grungy pair of American Eagle boxers. Further, even though mom hasn’t bought you any new packs of boxers from Target since eighth grade, try to wear some that include simple, mature patterns. Avoid cartoon characters and switch to plaids.
Established Couples: At this stage in the dating game, the only question that plagues a couple is, “Was that boring sex?” To keep it interesting it is time to shop for new costume choices. This is everyone’s chance to play with what they wear in the bedroom. Roll out all of the slutty mesh and fishnet and go wild. Every woman should have at least a few pairs of La Perla intimates for special occasions, and at least one set from Frederick’s for those super skanky sessions. Men should go beyond their day-to-day duds and invest in a few pairs of sporty Calvin Klein’s—think fitted trunks. It is easy to get comfortable and boring within a long-term relationship, and that’s why accessories are always important. Choose from a variety of handcuffs, ticklers and whips to enhance any outfit. Your partner might laugh at first, but he or she will certainly grow to love it. Toys are one secret to avoiding ho-hum sexual encounters.
Screw Relationships, I want to sleep around: Yes, this too is a dating phase that our generation is particularly fond of. And this avoidance of coupling also has particular fashion mandates. You shouldn’t be busting out the accessories or lacy undergarments at this point, but at the same time making sex memorable ensures a positive review from your sexual partners. Choose pieces that are flattering and fitted, but also try to wear colors that stand out. After all, it’s easier to remember the girl in the hot pink bra versus the hundreds he or she has slept with who wear plain black.
Overall, shopping for sexual attire breaks the stigma that sex is a free sport. There are so many decisions and this guide is meant to help make the right ones. Finally, don’t forget the best (or worst) accessory of them all: a condom.