Dear Chicken-Tender-Jerk Guy

On Jan. 27 at around 10:20 p.m., I was walking back from Sutton after watching a movie at my friend’s apartment. As I passed the music building, a car crept up along the sidewalk slowly. Suddenly, I saw an arm jerk out of the passenger’s side and an object float above the road. I kept walking along until I was hit on the arm. The object tumbled to the ground. I immediately grabbed what turned to be a piece of food. Specifically, it was a chicken tender.

Congratulations, good sir, you have found yourself a part of the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.

First of all, I SAW YOU. We made eye contact. As you and your buddy crept along in his car, you looked me dead in the eyes. Though it would never come down to this, there’s an 85% chance I could pick you out of a line up. And honestly I know you are more than likely a Rollins student. After I examined the piece of poultry you chucked at me from your friend’s silver Chevy, I came to the conclusion that the chicken tender was from The Grille. Ms. Mae would not be happy to hear this.

And out of all the things in the world to throw, it was a chicken tender. Really? There are so many other delicious foods you could toss out. Step your game up. Tofu, pasta, filet mignon. Personally, I like blueberry and banana smoothies. But no, it was a chicken tender you decided to throw at me. . . That’s just tasteless.

Finally, did it make you and your driving accomplice happy to throw the rest of your food out in front of the Cornell Fines Arts Museum? I bet you were so pleased that someone else had to clean up your mess. This type of achievement only comes once in a lifetime. Please bask in your greatness.

Sincerely,

M. Olivia Matthews

P.S. May this note also serve as a warning to all Rollins students. I would hate for you to be this man’s next victim.

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