I was proud to open last week’s paper and read my ‘Letter to the Editor’ in its original, unedited form. Honestly, I’ve never been happier to see the word ballsack in printed text before. I imagine this is how a father feels after he sees his son hit his first home run whilst playing tee-ball. I admire your spunk, Sandspur, and I’m proud to be cheering for you guys from the sidelines and trash talking the other kids as they step up to bat. “Everybody move in! Billy is up to bat! C’mon batter-batter swing! Hahaha–hey, get your hands off me! You can’t throw me out of this game; I paid to be here!” And so on. However, just because we are on better terms doesn’t mean that I’m going to be cranking down the brouhaha. I’ve got to call it like I see it– and that oft en requires breaking a few eggs in order to make my delicious omelet of opinions — and I have more opinions than you can shake two sticks at. So let’s get cracking.
This week, I want to help readers improve their lives by becoming actively engaged consciences citizens. Provided below is a list of Ryan Lambertapproved lifestyle changes that produce positive results and healthy-mindedness in an individual. ©™ (RLALCTPPRAHMIAI for short!) Results more or less guaranteed!
1.) Recycle — To me, this is a no-brainer, but I’ve met plenty of people who callously and carelessly throw cans and bottles into their garbage bins. If you are one of those people, please note that the blue bin in your room is not an ‘extra colored bonus’ can. Plus, if you recycle, you have one more thing to look down on others for not doing. In addition to this, if we experience a trash-induced apocalypse, you have someone other than yourself to blame. I don’t know about you guys, but I plan on blaming that Billy kid. This brings me to my next point:
2.) Blame others more — it’s easy, it’s fun, and anyone can do it if they just try! Always have an ace in the hole to pin your failures on. My grandfather is especially adept at this, as everything is always the fault of the “no good Guv’ment.” In short, find yourself a Billy. You never know when being a weasel is the best way to weasel out of responsibility!
3.) Drink more water — it’s healthy, it’s easy to obtain, and it’s usually free. Plus, if you follow step one, you can drink bottled water with only a portion of the guilt! Don’t worry about the aquifer or spotty company regulations — that’s why you follow step two and have an ace in the hole if things go south.
4.) Exercise — it makes you feel better and helps relieve stress. Does this letter irritate you? Go take a lap. You too, Billy.
5.) Be more involved — join organizations, attend speakers on campus, write obnoxious letters to The Sandspur — whatever you do, make it count. From what I’ve been told, we remember our most active moments with the greatest fondness when we are older, which sounds like it probably will end up being true. Let me know in 50 years if this suggestion is no good so we can get it off our list.
So that’s it! I imagine that positive energy is now surging through your veins. Progress has been made this week! Now go take another lap, Billy.
— Ryan Lambert ‘13