April Fools! The content of this post is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur or Rollins College or to be taken as factual in any way.
In music, some icons, legends and heroes possess that special something that allows them to transcend their craft and define an entire generation. Then there is Mike Stud – looking down on them all from atop his golden throne of musical verisimilitude.
I was recently elated and overjoyed to hear that SGA voted to give this esteemed, talented artist his own stone on the Walk of Fame. If you are anything like me, you were so dumbfounded and paralyzed with exultation upon hearing this happy news that you now need help snapping back into reality, so I will graciously again pinch you with my words: Mike Stud is getting a stone. Can there be a more deserving candidate? Has there ever been a clearer example of poetry, wit, charm and artistry? I’ll save you the time of agreeing with me and answer those questions for you: if anything, he deserves two stones! One in honor of each of his earrings!
Personally, I think they ought to be placed right next to Gloria Steinem’s recently placed stone; after all, look at how committed to women’s issues he is: “I’m telling all the girls I love them/But I don’t really mean a damn thing/I just wanna go home and f*ck them.” Classic.
Or maybe we could put him next to Socrates because he is always asking questions: “Flow sick I need a medic/Get it?” Gets me every time. What do global leaders and responsible citizens sound like? This: “Im tryin’ to have F-U-N/If you don’t like it, F-U-then… bitch.” Bringing this exemplar to campus was a great idea – only to be rivaled with the decision of spending all that money to have Fox Day on campus.
Speaking of responsible on-campus activities, I am reminded of Mike Stud’s conscientious request to have two handles of vodka brought to him before he went on stage. He could have drank downtown on his party bus, but he instead honorably chose to stay on campus and illustrate the importance of safety. So remember, on Fox Day, be sure you do not exceed Mike Stud’s two handle limit. A difficult request to be sure, but safety is safety.
I hope you all will join me for the laying of Mike Stud’s stone. Be sure and get there early if you want even a decent seat. During these times of economic hardship, we must be wary to ration our resources and promote the image and values of our school.
Wise spending always ought to be praised. Perhaps we can get stones in honor of The Green and On-Campus Fox Days? Personally, I’m all for it, and I’ll be cheering on the change from my intimidating porch.