The Sandspur

Issue date: 3/25/05 Section: Opinions

Media Credit: RICH POPE / KRT CAMPUS

Let's suppose you're prone to homicidal thoughts every time someone's cell phone plays a loud, terribly distorted version of Beethoven's Fifth or some polyphonic hip-hop jam by a rapper named for currency. Now let's suppose the sight of an ample-bosomed, air-brushed light porn actress with a named Shauna or Tawny moaning with oh-so-fabricated pleasure irritates you to no end. If you fit one or both these classifications, then there's a new trend that offers the best of both worlds to drive you positively insane.

Porn star ring tones, or "moan tones," are on their way to becoming the next thing to infiltrate pop culture. Mobile service providers and porn companies are teaming up in anticipation of peddling ring tones that provide all the orgasmic sound effects subscribers can handle. Jenna Jameson, the queen of girl-on-girl action, is reportedly seeking to offer her "moan tones" to eager buyers, where she will gasp or sigh or spout a personalized dirty message. The service is already offered in South America, and porn star ring tones are the latest craze amongst young users worldwide because of its "American" appeal.

Strictly speaking, if one looks at the "moan tone' market from a capitalist perspective, the idea is brilliant. The premise: use the same "smoke and mirrors (and breast implants and airbrush)" effect used in porn and bring it to susceptible consumers, who will lap it up like Misty Mundae in a feline costume. Mobile porn peddlers have already flooded the market with downloadable money shots, and with "moan tones, " one can only hope the realism of porn comes full circle on mobile phones.

As with any viral trend, the anticipated majority carriers are teenagers, as IDC reports that forty percent of 15 to 19 year olds are mobile subscribers in the United States. Parents are driven crazy by the prospect of their teen's ears being polluted with lascivious sounds. Pretty soon, it's fairly guaranteed that proper mobile etiquette will move from determining the proper ring tone volume to deciding whether Tera Patrick's or Briana Banks' vocal whimpers are best suited for one's phone.

Other likely candidates to fall prey to "moan tones" are the various species of misogynistic meatheads who spend their free time at the local bar hitting on waitresses for free rounds of Natty Light. One such suspected male was quoted as saying, "If you can get her [Jenna Jameson] to say my name then I would buy it. I need that kind of personal attention." Still others who wouldn't dare admit their unintelligence might find "moan tones' ironically funny or witty. The only irony in this case is that more people are likely to berated for having "God Bless America" on their mobile phones than "Spank me hard, insert name here."

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