2008 Woodie Awards
$90 Million Dollar Check Bounces: College Becomes an Underfunded Country Club
Huge debts arise as enormous endowment check from George Cornell bounces.
Karina Mc Cabe
Issue date: 4/1/05 Section: Life & Times
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The loan, according to the finance coordinator Montague Moneybags was to generate approximately $5 million a year for the school. However, various insiders, all of whom wish to remain anonymous, report that the check for $90 million bounced as the funds were already spent by the happy pooches. Reports claim the spoiled dogs squandered their inheritance on kibble and Bichon Frise's, and that the chew toy addicted pair refuse to even cover the bank's $29 non-sufficient funds charge (a fee assessed when the large donation check failed to clear).
This news came as a tremendous shock to the college, particularly as the funds had already been appropriated to numerous sources, including endowed faculty posts, the renovation of the Cornell Fine Arts Museum, and the Cornell Scholars program. The latter is a program in which high school seniors compete for a prestigious full scholarship to Rollins for four years, and the aim of the program is to elevate the level of academic discourse at the college.
Unfortunately, without funding, this program will never be able to take off the ground, explained the President of the Superb Scholarship Board. He concluded a recent interview with the newspaper regarding these new findings very briefly, remarking, "Well, I guess I'm out of a job now, so I really don't care how anyone else is suffering."
Not everyone is complaining, however. One student, Harvey Parker Esq. IV, '08, explained that with less scholarship students attending Rollins, "there'll be more room for my popped-collared, prep school buddies!"
Several professors disagree with Parker, though, as they believe that without athletic or academic scholarships, the school will only draw a less accomplished candidate pool. Consequently, Rollins will ultimately be a less desirable college to apply to, particularly as it will lose its stature among other private colleges in the area.