The Sandspur

Issue date: 4/1/05 Section: Life & Times

Could it be true? Yes, strange happenings have been reported at the Duncan estate. In the past few weeks there have been alleged sightings of slow moving shadows late at night, creaking doors, and eerie voices. It is said that "The Book of the Dead," bound in nothing less than human flesh, has been discovered somewhere on the grounds. Surely Duncan's house was built on an ancient burial ground, and the dead are not happy.

The extent of the burial ground is found to cover an approximate area of half a mile and is said to be up to three hundred feet deep, with caves and underground tunnels connecting on several different tombs on separate levels. Many anthropologists from all over the country have come to investigate the strange happenings surrounding our President's house. See, anthropology is important after all! I'm glad we think it's a major that's worth our attention.

The looming questions to be answered in all of the commotion are these: will there be zombies like that of the hit movie 'Burial Ground'? Is it more like an 'Evil Dead' sort of possession? Is rich flesh better than poor flesh? If there is an outbreak of the virus Solanum (the virus believed to reanimate the dead, the zombie virus), will Rollins College be at a greater risk?

In an attempt to answer these questions for you, professionals have been working around the clock. It is most likely to be an ancient burial ground consisting of a people living long before the Seminole Indians were even in this area. Who were these people, and why are they so vengeful?

The simple answer is that they're dead. I'd be pretty pissed off if I were a zombie/evil lurking presence/ ghost. I mean think about it.

The best way to deal with this discovery is for Duncan to move away and to establish the land as holy. But if you've ever watched a zombie movie, you know that, no matter what is done, there will be some group of kids who meddle in the business of the dead and read from the book bound in human flesh for fun. They will have lots of sex and die, except for the virtuous virgin.

The possibility of some horrendously absurd "nukular" happening could also ensue. In this case you can look at a more realistic scenario in the recently released movie 'Shaun of the Dead'. Cricket paddles and shovels seem to work fine for them--just keep yourself from getting bitten. You never know. So be prepared.

Even if neither of these scenarios happen and the dead do come back to life for no real reason, fulfilling the scenario of hell overflowing with residents, we're all in deep trouble anyway.

And if Duncan doesn't move? I suggest he buy 'The Zombie Survival Guide' by Max Brooks. You can find it in the book store on campus. Good luck!

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