2008 Woodie Awards
Blood Drive Reveals Rampant STD's on Campus!
Genesis Whitlock
Issue date: 4/1/05 Section: News
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The bacterial strain, dubbed Fiatluxia trachomatis, was discovered during mandatory iron testing at the semi-annual Red Shield campus blood drive. "We had a large turnout," said Phil Huston, the drive coordinator. "Almost 1,200 students showed up to donate blood. Unfortunately, most of the samples had to be discarded."
Discovery of the unusual bacteria in student blood samples piqued the interest of the CDC's Division of Bacterial and Mycotic Diseases, who commissioned a secret research team to investigate the nature of the disease.
The CDC set to work right away, observing students' social habits to discover exactly how the disease was spread. "On average, we found that Rollins students mate 70 percent more often than most college students," says Dr. John Simonet, a CDC statistician and pathologist, "and yes, we've adjusted for population." Simonet and his team found a correlation between Fiatluxia trachomatis and excessive social activity, which weakens both the inhibitions and the immune system.
At the time of the study, Simonet observed that several classrooms, the elevator, and a custodial closet in Cornell Center for the Social Sciences were converted into makeshift speakeasies and dance clubs "where rampant hook-ups took place."
After conducting tests on several students, the CDC strongly believes the disease to be transmitted strictly through sexual contact. Continued observation aroused suspicion that mutant strains can be transmitted via kissing, sharing expensive bottled water, or shopping at Downeast with an infected person. "We believe everyone on campus has come into contact with the venereal disease at one point," notes Dr. Cathy Lundgren, a CDC pathologist and mother of a hopeful Rollins College entrant.
"It probably started through several random hook-up with townies, and the bacteria mutated and daisy-chained its way through the population." Students suspected of being primarily infected denied the encounters.
The disease is expected to infect 99 percent of the population by May. Symptoms of the disease include shortness of patience for class, forgetfulness of assignments, intense cravings for distilled alcoholic beverages and random distribution of phone numbers. More severe signs of the disease may include failure to attend class, inability to wake up on time, distaste for campus-prepared cafeteria food, and inability to maintain balance after evening outings.