2008 Woodie Awards
Keggie the Keg Takes President's Dog Hostage
Chaos erupts after President Duncan's dog is ransomed by rival mascot Keggy the Keg.
Issac Stolzenbach
Issue date: 4/1/05 Section: News
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Pure bedlam at Rollins College as of late, first our president is found to be leaving to tend to an enormous family fortune, now we have a rogue mascot on campus accosting our president's dog, Midnight. When ask how this made it feel, the Flagpole on Mills Lawn replied with vigor, "Its an outrage! That dog was my dawg, ya'know? He even scooped his own poo!"
The simple note left at the scene was clear, "Share the 1.6 Billion Bucks, or Get Your Dog Back in Chunks!" A handwriting analysist, who insisted on remaining anonymous, gave her input on the threatening note, "The man is obviously a pedophile with delusions inclined toward involving animals in his sick practices. The fact that the note was written in distilled feces on dung paper exhibits a gross distain for authority. I wouldn't be surprised if he rubbed himself with the leftover poo-ink . . . ."
The Traffic Light at Park Ave. and Fairbanks was the only witness to the incident, "It was freakish! I saw it all go down, man . . . this weird shiny thing with a spout and green legs and arms went bouncing down the street singing something like 'not donuts, or does nuts, but deez nuts! Woot! Woot! Wahoo!' It was a sickening sight to see, his voice made my glass rattle . . . little silvery-green freak, I should have known he was suspect, he didn't jaywalk to get on campus!"
Keggy was of course in hiding and unavailable for comment, but this reporter was able to obtain a quote from his elk, a battered and beaten keg from a local frat house, "Hells yes! If I be havin' legs, I'd bust his dawg too. Yo, people be pumpin'bumpin' us day in and day out, you don't think we'd take a shot if we had the chance? Dang, if only I had arms, legs, and a gun . . . I 'magine I'd take out Paris Hilton's little rat-dog until she agreed to make su'mo footage, ya dig? I ain't talkin' 'bout no night-shot mess either. Hold up, I gotta go clean my tap-check ya later . . . ."
A local organization against cruelty toward animals has set up camp on Mills Lawn to search for clues in Midnight's excrement, one spokesmen was convinced this had been planned out for quite some time, "[pointing at poop in his unprotected hand] See, there are little bits of corn and straw mixed in with the kibble. Tests have revealed that neither are indigenous to Florida, so the perpetrator probably poisoned the dog slowly in order to sedate the animal enough to make it easy prey."
Easy prey indeed, the dog was plucked from the president's lawn as he slept. A staged photo was sent the next day to The Slantspur to expose the criminal intentions of Keggy the Keg. The best one can hope for in this case is a swift death for the pooch before it is molested any further, or the submission of funds from the president's office.
Dr. Duncan was unavailable for comment as he was out trying to rescue his dog Midnight, but his Desk was happy to add its opinion, "I'm glad he's leaving. I sit here all day and get no attention . . . he just stacks his papers up on me and gives me no appreciation. I told him someone would eventually get him . . . and his little dog too."