The Sandspur

Issue date: 4/1/05 Section: Opinions

Media Credit: JACKIE LORENTZ / KRT CAMPUS GRRR: The Canadian´s have been preparing for battle for years. They merely disguised it in the form of a violent sport!

First there was Canadian bacon. Then there was Canada Dry and Labatt Blue. Soon, we'll all be wearing red-and-white maple leaf T-shirts and exchanging plastic money with the Queen's likeness on it. One day, when our children are in school, they'll be putting their hands over their hearts while singing "O Canada, our home and native land..." and we won't even have seen it coming. Yes, my fellow Americans-the Canadians are trying to take over this country, and we need our fearless leader George W. Bush to stop them dead in their tracks.

Most Americans think Canada is the harmless neighbor to the north. Boy, are they wrong. The public doesn't know it yet, but the government had sound reason to believe that Canada is stockpiling weapons of mass destruction. Laugh if you will-this is no Iraq, folks. Canadians have been quietly biding their time, infiltrating our country with their sports, their beverages, their celebrities, and their deli meats. They've purposely been trying to shroud themselves in a cloak of innocence. Meanwhile their underground factories are producing nuclear weapons, and we need the Dubya to go in there and expose those Canadians for the mountie-loving liars they are. Don't believe me? Here's proof.

You know the whole Expos expansion franchise? It was a cover for missile production. No one wants us to know this, but government reconnaissance revealed that large quantities of uranium were being shipped to the stadium. Where was it going? Well, the players sure weren't shooting it up. Rumsfeld had that baby shut down quicker than Paul Martin could say, "Missiles? What are you talking about?" And do Americans think it's a coincidence that the Expos got shipped to the nation's capital under the clever disguise of the "Washington Nationals?" What a perfectly convenient way to smuggle nukes and legalized marijuana across the border for their diabolical plans. Everyone knows Canadians don't play baseball-they slide pucks around on the ice.

Which leads to my second point: who do you think orchestrated the whole NHL strike? Canadians. The public thinks players are holding out for more money-can anyone say "trips to secret genetic engineering plants in the Yukon?" In actuality, the Canadians are cloning hockey players for purposes that are as yet unknown. Don't say I told you so when some six-foot, iron-jawed, hockey-stick-wielding thug named Pierre arrives at your door and takes away your civil liberties and your ability to feel sensation in your legs. They've been planning this since the inception of the league.

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