The Sandspur

Issue date: 4/15/05 Section: Life & Times

Dear Fox,

I was seeing this amazing girl for several months this school year. She was beautiful, sweet, and overall just a good natured and wholesome girl. She was my first "real relationship." She was very compromising with me, always gave me plenty of freedom, and always had a way of making me feel very special to her.

As time passed I didn't appreciate what a great catch she was. After a night of partying with the guys I unfortunately cheated on her and confessed to her in a very cold and mean spirited way. I always told her she never had to worry about me cheating on her because I really cared and respected her but I messed up in the end. She has already moved on and now I just feel so guilty and ashamed of what I did to such a sweet person.

What can I do to get her to forgive me and get me to forgive myself?
~ Confused Cheater

Dear Confused,

It is a really good thing that you have realized the error of your ways and have felt that you need to settle this, not only with your own conscience, but with your ex-girlfriend. I believe she needs some sort of closure that she most likely has not received thus far, despite the relationship apparently having been over for some time now. The psychosocial consequences for each of you could be quite diastrous in the long run.

Her forgiveness of your actions depends ultimately upon her. However, you may be able to alleviate her ability to do such.

Have an actual friendly chat with her. Discuss for a second time the circumstances of your partying and cheating, only in a more calm and considerate manner. Then, reveal the true feelings you had for her and about what you did as you did not do when you initially disclosed your deceit to her. Make sure she understands precisely where you are coming from in dealing with the situation this time. Your episode may not have had a hugely detrimental effect upon her, but she is still a fragile person inside. Furthermore, don't attempt to force her into better feelings toward you. Remember, she has moved on. Sorry, but you have lost your chance for now.

As for yourself, talking with her should probably ease a lot of your guilt and you'll stop being so hard on yourself as a consequence. This girl may not be 'The One' for you, so see how much better she's doing with her current beau and consider how perhaps it was better for both of you overall that you broke up, despite the stimulus of this event.

Good luck with your situation, and I hope things work out for you!

~The Fox

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