The Sandspur

Issue date: 4/29/05 Section: Life & Times

Dear Fox,

I just met this awesome guy at a party a couple weeks ago. We hit it off really well and have been out to a couple more dates since then. He calls me at least once a day and we've talked all night long numerous times about our lives, futures, career paths, etc. We seem to be going in the same direction, have a lot in common, and he's gorgeous! The thing is, he has a kid! I waited until the second date to tell me because he said he really liked me and didn't want me to run away screaming, but I kind of feel like I should. I really like this guy, but I'm in college, I don't need to become a mother before I get my career off the ground. I feel like I should look down on him for being irresponsible, but at the same time, he's such a great guy and I don't want to give him up. What should I do?
~Dating a Daddy

Dear Dating a Daddy

Well, this is a problem. First of all, it's a wonderful thing that you found someone you were instantly attracted to that turned out to feel the same about you. That is very hard to come by. My first instinct is to tell you that everyone comes with baggage and a past, and it's something we have to learn to accept, respect, and deal with if we want to spend our lives with this person.

However, this is a huge amount of baggage. This guy has a kid, not to mention he has an ex that is going to probably play a pivotal role in her child's life. Meaning, if you get involved with him, not only will you instantly become a prospective mother, but you will have to learn how to deal with a kid and an ex that will never go away all at once. It's a big responsibility.

Even more so, you have college to worry about. You said yourself that you have a career that you've been planning on having. It would be a different thing if you were putting it aside for your own child, but someone else's is another story.

You have two choices, you can keep dating him and see how serious things get, or you can leave now. If you're already thinking after only a couple dates that this guy is the one for you, then maybe you should hang around a little longer. If you do so, make sure you tell him you're not ready to be a mom and you want to take things very slow. Let him know from the beginning that you're nervous about all this but you really like him and want to see how things work out. He will respect your honesty and it will not lead him on to thinking you're wanting marriage or to give up your career path.

On the other hand, if you leave now, you can find someone new who doesn't have a child, who you can start a relationship with, and not have to worry about the baggage that this guy has.

Honestly, if you can sit down right now and easily see yourself just moving on with your life like you've never met this guy, then do it. That way you'll save yourself, him, and the child from getting hurt in the future if the break-up occurs. If you're hesitant, which it sounds like you are, talk to him about it. Be honest with him, and yourself, and do what makes you both happy. I'm sure he doesn't want to trap you into anything, so just take things slow and keep communicating.

The only thing you can't avoid in this situation is becoming a mother figure. As soon as you enter into this child's life, he/she is going to become attached. You'll be dating not just the father, but the child as well.

Then that opens an entirely new can of worms. Kids need tons of attention, which is going to take away from your time alone with your new boyfriend. You're going to have to learn to be okay with the fact that this child is the number one person in his life and that's probably not going to change. So, you'll be juggling getting to know this new guy on an intimate and deeper level, while trying to learn how to be a motherly figure to this child without getting too attached.

If you want this to work out, it can. If you really think this guy is worth it, and you really want to try a relationship, I don't see why you can't. You have to figure out if this is what you want and decide from there. Like I said before, do your best to be open and honest with him the entire time. Chances are, he's been through a lot in is life and doesn't need anything fake. Just be yourself and if you decide you want out, be honest.

Good luck!

~Daisy Fox

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