2008 Woodie Awards
Be Willing To Move On and Give Up the Grudge
Kelsey Field
Issue date: 10/14/05 Section: Life & Times
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Everyone holds grudges, whether it is the kid who actually bumped into you in class without saying sorry or your friend who ruined your favorite CD.
Not only does everyone hold grudges, but everyone holds them in their own way, whether it means forgetting all about it in five minutes or still fuming about that one little thing three weeks later.
According to Marjorie Rosen, the reason that grudges are kept for so long is because although holding them may make you feel down, confronting the person that made you so angry in the first place is simply not an answer to resolving their anger.
Grudges are bad for your emotions, because it is a buildup of negativity, but more so than that, experts are discovering that grudges also affect your physical well being. In fact, according to PhD Dr. Charlotte VanOyen Witvliet, people who held grudges had greater physical stress, "including higher blood pressure, heart rate, sweat and muscle tension levels."
The experts also divided the population into hot responders and cold responders. Those who are hot responders are quick to get angry, with pounding hearts and sweaty palms. The cold reactors are those who probably will not even show the slightest hint of anger, no matter how much you yell at them.
So to help those who just can't get past their grudges, but really don't need that extra stress, Dr. Frederic Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Program, has come up with a method of nipping that grudge in the bud.
1) Acknowledge the fact that yes, you were hurt instead of pretending that you don't care at all.
2) Put a stop to the resentment before it harbors into a full fledged grudge by taking a few deep breaths and remember someone you love or a time you felt love. This way you are not focusing on the negativity that often arises with the grudge holding process.
3) Confront that person who made you so angry in the first place. Maybe they didn't realize that they said something that was offensive, and by telling them they may be more careful of what they say in the future. Also, dealing with the anger when it happens won't allow it to fester and grow into something more angry and hateful.
4) Check your anger level and look at the situation from an outside view. By giving yourself this perspective, the circumstances are less painful, and therefore easier to cope with. Also, instead of stressing about it, go for a run or talk to someone about it. In order to get on past the grudge, ask yourself "What stress was I under at the time?" and "Is this person like this with other people and not just me?"
5) Challenge your own personal rules and realize that in life sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you just may not.
In addition to busting the grudge, bust the myths that go with them: Forgiving doesn't entail that you won't get angry, because everyone gets mad once in a while, but how mad do you really need to be? Forgiving does not mean that you forget the situation, but remember it in a less hateful fashion. Instead of the friend who forgot to meet you for lunch, think of him or her as the friend who just became too overwhelmed with everything going on in her life and simply forgot. Forgiving does not mean you're a pushover because it puts you in a position of strength because it takes courage to respond in a different manner that is outside your comfort box.
Lastly, forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation, it means making the decisions that are right for you at the moment. Maybe that broken friendship needs to be salvaged, or maybe it really doesn't. The important fact of the matter is that you were able to make decisions outside of your angry and hurt perspective that might lead you to make rash and regretful decisions. You may be able to finally move on from the situation and the circumstances. You have decided what is best for you.
Not only does everyone hold grudges, but everyone holds them in their own way, whether it means forgetting all about it in five minutes or still fuming about that one little thing three weeks later.
According to Marjorie Rosen, the reason that grudges are kept for so long is because although holding them may make you feel down, confronting the person that made you so angry in the first place is simply not an answer to resolving their anger.
Grudges are bad for your emotions, because it is a buildup of negativity, but more so than that, experts are discovering that grudges also affect your physical well being. In fact, according to PhD Dr. Charlotte VanOyen Witvliet, people who held grudges had greater physical stress, "including higher blood pressure, heart rate, sweat and muscle tension levels."
The experts also divided the population into hot responders and cold responders. Those who are hot responders are quick to get angry, with pounding hearts and sweaty palms. The cold reactors are those who probably will not even show the slightest hint of anger, no matter how much you yell at them.
So to help those who just can't get past their grudges, but really don't need that extra stress, Dr. Frederic Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Program, has come up with a method of nipping that grudge in the bud.
1) Acknowledge the fact that yes, you were hurt instead of pretending that you don't care at all.
2) Put a stop to the resentment before it harbors into a full fledged grudge by taking a few deep breaths and remember someone you love or a time you felt love. This way you are not focusing on the negativity that often arises with the grudge holding process.
3) Confront that person who made you so angry in the first place. Maybe they didn't realize that they said something that was offensive, and by telling them they may be more careful of what they say in the future. Also, dealing with the anger when it happens won't allow it to fester and grow into something more angry and hateful.
4) Check your anger level and look at the situation from an outside view. By giving yourself this perspective, the circumstances are less painful, and therefore easier to cope with. Also, instead of stressing about it, go for a run or talk to someone about it. In order to get on past the grudge, ask yourself "What stress was I under at the time?" and "Is this person like this with other people and not just me?"
5) Challenge your own personal rules and realize that in life sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you just may not.
In addition to busting the grudge, bust the myths that go with them: Forgiving doesn't entail that you won't get angry, because everyone gets mad once in a while, but how mad do you really need to be? Forgiving does not mean that you forget the situation, but remember it in a less hateful fashion. Instead of the friend who forgot to meet you for lunch, think of him or her as the friend who just became too overwhelmed with everything going on in her life and simply forgot. Forgiving does not mean you're a pushover because it puts you in a position of strength because it takes courage to respond in a different manner that is outside your comfort box.
Lastly, forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation, it means making the decisions that are right for you at the moment. Maybe that broken friendship needs to be salvaged, or maybe it really doesn't. The important fact of the matter is that you were able to make decisions outside of your angry and hurt perspective that might lead you to make rash and regretful decisions. You may be able to finally move on from the situation and the circumstances. You have decided what is best for you.