This week, the students and faculty of Rollins discovered the shocking truth about their very own President Cornwell. After taking a tumble during one of his usual strolls around campus, surrounding students and staff found that he was not one man, but three children in disguise.
The children, whose real names are being kept secret for legal purposes, had been stacked on each other’s shoulders in order to appear to be the height of a fully grown man. They refer to each other as Legs, Head, and Torso. It is unknown how long the children have been keeping up the facade and how many people they have fooled.
Despite the revealed truth, it was agreed by the faculty that President Cornwell should remain the Rollins president. Age discrimination is at an all-time high in the country, and Rollins hopes that by being one of the first campuses to move past it, the rest of the country will follow suit.
“It’s so sweet that the faculty is letting us stay president,” said Legs. “We love Rollins, and while we’re really sorry for the deceit, it’s great that we were even given this opportunity!”
The three children said that their justification for their deception dates back to when they were all friends in kindergarten. They all had the mutual goal of being a college’s president, but whenever they tried to apply for the position, they were turned down after being told that they were too young.
“It was so discouraging, you know?” said Head. “We were just kids ahead of our time. We knew we were fully capable of running a college campus, but everyone would see our single-digit ages and decline us right away without even hearing us out.”
The idea to disguise themselves as an adult had come from Torso. If no one knew that they were children, everyone would look at them for who all three of them were, rather than judging them by the number of years they had been alive. This eventually lead to them becoming the President of Rollins College.
“We were so happy that we stayed up like all night watching Dora the Explorer; it was pretty intense,” said Torso. “We even had icecream for breakfast our first morning as president. Never thought we could do that.”
The kids look forward to continuing their service to Rollins, and invite students over for a stuffed animal tea party at any time.
April Fools!! The content in this article is meant to be read in satire and does not represent the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff, or Rollins College.