Sandspur Officially Suspended: Rumors of Hazing Confirmed!

March 28, 2013 Features

April Fools’! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College. 

The Sandspur student newspaper is officially suspended after evidence of hazing of first year staff members surfaced this past week.

During a routine evening inspection of the Mills building on Sunday March 24, Campus Security officers discovered four students locked in the caged room that The Sandspur utilizes to store equipment and archives.

“They just had pure fear in their eyes,” said senior officer Quixote, who broke open the lock to the caged storage unit. “You could tell that they were thoroughly traumatized by the hazing they had endured.”

Forced living in what the victims have come to call “the cage” was only one of several activities the first years were forced to commit. The four students, whose names will remain anonymous, have admitted to weeks of unusual hazing rituals that were conducted and supervised by senior staff members. Accusations of hazing activities include forced newspaper folding until the bleeding of finger tips, organizing and labeling 119 years worth of back issues, and subsist on only newspapers as food.

“We had heard rumors of hazing at The Sandspur for years, but this is the first time that we got hard evidence of it actually happening,” said Scott Jones, Director of OSIL, the Office of Student Icicles and Labradoodles. “I’m just glad that the students involved are safe now and I look forward to seeing the organization getting kicked off campus.”

The staff members responsible for carrying out the hazing activities will attend hearings with the Office of Community Standards and Responsibility throughout next week where they will have the opportunity to share their side of the story. Faculty Advisor to The Sandspur, Emily Russell, was asked to attend the hearings as a character witness, but she refused the request.

“I’m sorry I ever associated with that group of kids,” said Professor of English and now former Faculty Advisor Emily Russell. “I always suspected that they were troublemakers, but I never thought that they would take it this far.”

Plans are already being drafted for what to do with the newspaper’s former office space in Mills and its allocated budget.

“As for their budget, there wasn’t much we could really do with it,” said Janice Doberman, the staff member charged with redistributing The Sandspur’s funds provided by the school. “They were only getting about fifty bucks after the budget cuts this year, so I gave them to the RAP Rawr organization for a downpayment on a permanent chocolate fountain to have at all events.”

“I’m tired of reading all about sex and drugs in every Sandspur issue,” said Jason Terrier ’13. “But chocolate fountains? I never get tired of those.”
Comments from the former Editor-in-Chief and Production Manager were declined.

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