If you are a human being and you own a cell phone (which I am guessing you are because a) you are reading this right now and b) you are probably not Amish), then chances are you have stumbled upon the tricky subject of sexting. Even if you have never participated in this unequivocally clinical act of foreplay, you are familiar with the term. I am not talking about the standard bra and panties mirror photo you send to your boyfriend which he then forwards to all his friends. I do not care what he says, that s*** is never getting deleted. Quick tip: if you do feel the need to send photos of yourself, make sure your face is not in them, that way if you run for office or decide to join a convent you will be solid.
Sexting does not necessarily include nude or semi-nude photographs. It is the gritty exchange of sexually explicit messages between two people, describing in great detail exactly what they would do to each other right now, if only they were together. The cruel irony. The common sext is usually accompanied by a ton of winky faces. This emoticon is crucial to any sext; it lets your partner know that you are super fun and down for anything ;). I feel that I should mention that as I am writing this there is a girl at a table in front of me studying the anatomy of the pelvic diaphragm. I wonder if this girl sexts. Perhaps she could turn it into a study method.
As someone who has been in a few long-distance relationships, sexting was just a natural part of the agreement. I never really had a problem with it. In fact, I was pretty good at it, which I chalk up to my former glory days as a middle-school spelling bee champion. I just happen to know a ton of synonyms for basic sexting jargon, such as “hard” and “hot.” Thanks, Mom. Leaving those sleepovers early to study really paid off.
While I am fairly decent at describing sexual scenarios, it’s not something I personally enjoy. It is not like I read some dude’s poorly executed paragraph and then experience intense waves of ecstasy. Most of the time it is just a chore that I approach with the same enthusiasm as grocery shopping. On many occasions I’ve done both simultaneously. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Typical grocery shopping/sexting scenario:
Kait: Yeah, you should definitely do that to me.
[Throws box of cereal into cart.]
Bob: How turned on are you right now?
Kait: I’ve never been so turned on in my life.
[Examines various brands of tuna fish.]
As somewhat of a well-seasoned sexter, I garnered a bit of a reputation with my girlfriends who were not so keen on the idea. Most of them were embarrassed or found it too intimate. Despite being over the phone, there is an inherent vulnerability that comes from being that graphic intentionally. You have to get over yourself a bit and have the guts to hit send. More often than not, this involves a fair amount of emotional detachment. I would explain this to my friends who would throw their hands up in desperation and shove their phone at me. “Fine. Can you just do it, then?” And so it began. Numerous dirty messages sent to friends’ boyfriends, girlfriends, friends with benefits, etc. I was playing sexual mad libs with people who believed that their significant other had been miraculously endowed with a proclivity for procreation by Aphrodite herself. Little did they know it was me, typing away while at yoga or out getting a drink. I had it down to a science. There are three important elements to ensure any sext is successful:
1) Mention how turned on you are: everyone is a narcissist, so whomever you are sexting will take this as a compliment.
2) Discuss how badly you want the other person.
3) Adjectives. They are your friend.
There you have it, the basic sexting formula. If you want to practice your new skill, I have included a literal sexual mad lib below.
While I am sure sexting is enjoyable for many couples, I do not quite see the point. String a couple of carnal phrases together and feign intimacy? There’s not much else to it. It is the digital equivalent to faking orgasm. It is a fun, creative way to spice up an otherwise stale relationship, but other than that, it is pretty useless.
Jack and Jill in the Bedroom
Jill, you’re so [adjective]. I want to [verb] your [body part]. We will [verb] at [place]. You’re my best friend and a great [noun]. I want you to [verb] my [body part] [number] times. I guarantee that at some [noun], we may want to try [verb]. Also, did you remember to [verb] from [noun]? Oh Jill, you’re the [adjective].