Sodexo food causes bowel distress

SodexoLogoThey’re moaning, they’re groaning, they’re incessantly loaning their tissue. What’s the deal with these fetal-position-walking-pupils of yours? Sodexo, that’s the deal!

Pictures have been anonymously released revealing mixed meat, mystery meat, intestinal residue, guck, and much more behind the scenes of Sodexo. Faced with the flight of innocent employees and an ever-growing scandal, Sodexo has been forced to shut down.

Phyllis Goatley Ph.D. exclaimed, “How? I mean how? You have students erupting with anal leakage from the sulfur water that they are unknowingly consuming! They are emptying their bowels faster than the United States government issues propaganda!”

One Elizabeth Hall resident and senior at Rollins, who chose to remain anonymous, shared with us that, “The whole third floor girls bathroom is caked in stench! We’re low on tissue, there’s not enough ventilation to relieve us, and quite frankly, it just smells like the dying squirrels and cats in the Orlando Hall vents.”

Many have had their lives disrupted as a result of Sodexo’s “food.” Partners can no longer lay intimately, and sharting has become as annoyingly and unnaturally frequent as pastels and Lily Pulitzer on this campus. Things like “I wish I was constipated” have become casual and recurring conversations amongst campus students, while back pains and Midol are necessary for a normal day.

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