Sexperts: Lengthen Your Shopping List

Dildos, cock rings and handcuffs! Oh, my! These items are a part of the choice selection any consumer may purchase through adult franchises.

Adult stores, more commonly known as sex shops, are seen by many as candy stores for perverts.  Sex shops are thought of as seedy and gross. They are places where Pee-wee Herman might be arrested or where pedophiles and sinners peruse. This common stereotype runs rampant throughout American culture, and this Sexpert feels it is time to correct this outrageous misconception.

To address this issue, we must first diagnose the source of the stereotype. Surely every child asked his or her parents what was sold in places with signs that said “Adults Only” or “XXX” displayed in bright colors on tinted windows. The typical parental response to such an inquiry was probably, “Disgusting items that only people who wish to perish in the fiery pits of hell will buy.”  And thus the taboo arose.

Despite what your parents have said, it is time to grab a few friends and explore a sex supermarket. After all, college is about opening yourself up to new experiences.

Although sex shops are all about enhancing your private sex life, bringing a few friends along makes the situation far less embarrassing. Together, you all may giggle at items like penis shaped balloons and drinking straws while secretly checking out lubricants and toys you may purchase on future, less-awkward visits.

Upon arriving, most visitors are overwhelmed by the amount of sex-related paraphernalia. Be sure to have your ID on hand and try not to stand in the doorway too long as you gawk at the gallons of lubricant and racks of pornography.
Progress slowly and be sure to check out anything of interest. This is your chance to explore, and unless you checked-in with a fake ID, it is your adult right to do so.  To make your visit a little easier, here are a few places and items you should be sure to see before departing:

1.  Watch any cheesy how-to videos: Not only are these instructional guides a great laugh, they also spark new ideas. There are always promotional lubricant messages as well as those on how to construct your own dildo and bedroom swing. Each one is no longer than a few minutes, but it is worth educating yourself on the number of sex related items available.
2.  Ponder the Wall of Giant Dildos: These rubber pleasure makers are certainly a sight to take in. Practicality is not the issue here, as this Sexpert suspects that these items are more of a gag than actual tools. Proceed past these humongous mind-bogglers to more modest toys.

3.  Read over the movie titles: For some couples, watching pornographic films is exciting, and the sex shop caters to this need. From scantily clad housewives to husky construction workers, there is a porno for everyone. You may even find movies that sound familiar. Titles like The Da Vinci Load (The Truth Cums Out) and Jurassic Pork (Only the Sexy Survive) are parodies of popular blockbusters. Even if watching porn is not your particular fantasy, familiarizing yourself with this aspect of American culture is essential.

4.  Try the stripper pole out: Build-your-own stripper poles are available at adult stores. It is just like buying a bureau at Ikea. Simply take the kit home, follow the instructions, and BAM … you’re the next Lindsay Lohan (without the rap sheet). It is important to try before you buy, so ask any sales associate before you get up on the pole (they get testy if too many customers swing like chimpanzees on their merchandise).

All in all, adult stores provide an important service to the community. Offering consumers a variety of products and possibilities, visiting one is an important first step in spicing up your sex life.

So cast aside your parent-enforced values (that should not be hard — this is college, after all) and take the first step toward becoming a well-rounded, sexually informed and responsible adult.

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