For my debut article as a Sexpert, I figured I would delve into the realm of sexting: the act of sending text messages containing pictures of one’s naked body. I guess it’s cheaper and more personal than just googling “Jake Gyllenhaal Naked,” but let’s be real: It’s kind of a bad idea. Actually, it’s a horrible idea.
First of all, sexting dispels any mystique that you may have had before you decided to release your nude body into the expansive plane of cyberspace. As soon as your nudes get out, you just are not very exciting anymore. People won’t say, “Oh, I wonder what Bob looks like under that polo.” Instead, it’ll be more like, “Yeah, I’ve seen Bob with his shirt off. And I’ve seen his penis. It was whatever.” The day Bob sent those nudes, his sexiness died.
That brings me now to discuss the ease with which one’s nudes can be distributed. It takes about three seconds to send a sext message, and it takes just a couple more seconds for the recipient to send it to all his or her hormonal friends. Now instead of being intimate, your boobs have been incorporated into dozens of boys’ nudie cell phone libraries. Not cute.
I would also like to call your attention to the ever-increasing number of websites whose sole purpose is to humiliate people by posting embarrassing nudes from anonymous donors. So all those hot texts you sent to your ex-girlfriend could very well be on isanyoneup.com as a source of laughter for millions.
Despite my abundance of warnings, I am sure there are plenty of you reading this who will continue with the habit of sexting. So, as a Sexpert, it is my duty to share with you Steven’s Safe Sexting Strategies. The SSSSs aren’t flawless, but they are undoubtedly helpful. Remember: abstinence is 100 percent effective.
The first and most important precaution is to hide your face. It’s not that hard. Besides, what kind of face are you supposed to make when you’re naked, anyway? By cropping out your countenance, you get one step closer to anonymity. So if anyone tries to pin you with those nudes, you can reply with a cool, “Prove it.”
Often, however, hiding your face is not enough. The next step is to conceal any unique tattoos, piercings, or birthmarks. And I’m not telling you to cake foundation onto that weird mole on your hip, just take a quarter turn to make sure it isn’t obvious. Remaining mysterious is key. It also keeps your recipient wanting more, which really is the goal, isn’t it? What’s the point of sexting if you don’t plan on sexing? Unless, of course, you happen to be an exhibitionist.
Steven’s final strategy is to simply make your picture look good. If you insist on sexting, sext your best. If you make sure your nudes are hot, then at least you won’t have to worry about people laughing at them. So tuck in those rolls, contort your body, and make sure you show the world your best side. If anything, maybe you’ll become the next Kim Kardashian!
In summation, sexting is silly, but if you must, do it with the advice of this Sexpert in mind.