MITCH BUCHANNON ANNOUNCES: Parade of Fools

March 28, 2013 Features

April Fools’! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College. 

We recently raged at “White Party” and we’re suckers for the annual “Tyte ‘N’ Bryte” and “Wall Defacement with Brightly Colorful Spray Paints” (although I’ve never quite been sure why it has such a long name). But now, back by popular demand, our beloved Mitch Buchannon is throwing one that’s sure to be a hit: “The Parade of Fools.”

That’s right; April Fools’ Day is coming up, and Rollins wants YOU to get foolish! Note: When I say “Rollins,” I’m not referring to the academic institution, I’m referring to the nightlife a.k.a. the real reason people come to Playboy’s 4th ranked party school in 2009. Sincethe Parade really brought down the house last year, Mitch’s bringing it back, and this time it’s bigger than ever!

“The theme is ‘The Parade of Fools,’ so prepare your most ludicrous ensembles,” reads Mitch Buchannon’s most recent Facebook post. “I want to see glitter, sequins, neon, animal suites [sic], whatever it takes for you to get debaucherous.” In eager preparation for this year’s shenanigans, I tracked down a couple of folks who were around for last year’s Parade.

“Yeah, it was like mad wicked,” says Nick Spicebert, a sixth-year senior. “A few of my bros and I really went all out: banana suits, Barack Obama masks, Borat swimwear . . . I showed up in full-on scuba gear.” “I don’t really remember it,” says a sorority member of Kappa Rhomba Chi. “I always black out,” she declares in a heavy accent with half-closed eyes and pursed lips, brandishing her cigarette in an no-nonsense fashion. “I don’t usually remember parties. But I’m sure it was really fun!”

Mitch hasn’t given away too many details, but bottle service and VIP access will be available. Mitch has been very generous and is providing a Fool-themed wheel to spin with different prices/services, with the base price of a remarkably low $300. But watch out, fools, because the wheel goes up to 10k for how much you could pay. If luck is not in your favor and you end up with a higher number, that shouldn’t be a problem — Visa Visa Mastercard, thanks, Daddy!

Girls have half-cover ‘til midnight; girls in lingerie get in free all night. $30 cover for guys, no exceptions. The wait time is expected to be 2 hours, so get there early! So this Monday, start a new week the best way you know how: prep for your pre-game and get ready to party rock. Happy first of April, fools.

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