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Cracking down on liberal snowflakes

Rollins College, a liberal arts school, has long been an institution that seeks to remove itself from political and social leanings, offering students from whatever political or social affiliation an equal opportunity at education. However, after many community and student responses that the school has become “too liberal” and “a hotbed for misguided liberal ideology” and “waaaaaaaaaay too politically correct”, the school has decided to enact some new policies that will hopefully challenge all students to think and engage as global citizens.

First, a giant wall (maybe a fence) will be built around campus, to protect students who are not paying tuition from having to interact with the general population.

“I think it’s a great idea, I hope we keep it up forever,” said one student, Wally McWallface. “I hate the idea that I’m here, working hard and paying for my education, when just anyone could wander on campus and sit down in one of my classes.”

Rollins students have been promised that none of the cost of the wall will be taken from their tuition payments, and alumni have been promised that their donations will also remain untouched. Instead, the school plans to make the Winter Park community pay for the wall—since they are the reason the campus needs it in the first place. In a recent meeting, it was noted that if Winter Park refused to pay for the wall, the money might be taken out of student and alumni money—but it will mysteriously be reimbursed eventually.

Another major change students might notice in coming weeks is a shift in the health care system on campus. Until now, students have been able to take advantage of the Health and Wellness Center and counseling services. The administration is looking for new ways to charge students for these services, to make sure only those who deserve it will receive the proper care. If the administration faces issues passing this particular change past the board of trustees, they will probably just give up—health care can sure be complicated!

New rules regarding women will also be put in place—angering many female students on campus, who have yet to accept the proper patriarchal order of the world.

“I guess if we had a minor focusing on the male gender, instead of just feminism, I would have been more prepared to accept the patriarchy,” said a girl whose name I forgot to ask. She noted that she will be taking a “History of the Heterosexual Male” class in the fall, and she has already been asked to sit in the hallway and just listen through a propped open door.

Though the administration is still looking at potential policy changes regarding gender, some immediate changes include asking women on their periods to stay in the dormitories (due to their emotional nature). The school is also examining potential ways to split the title of degrees awarded at Rollins College—an Atrium Bacclaureus Male (the degree will be light blue in color) and Atrium Bacclaureus Female (light pink) will both be available.

Hopefully, these new changes will help us to realign ourselves as less politically correct and more thoughtful in our actions as a college. As part of this initiative, The Sandspur has agreed to start publishing ‘fake news’ on a weekly basis. Hopefully, this will increase not only our readership, but our readers’ faith in us, as reporters. Without any reason to adhere to the truth, our stories will certainly be more interesting, with better headlines, subheads, and overall content. As we make this transition, our aim is to re-brand as “The Buzzfeed of the South—But Accurate.”

APRIL FOOLS! The Content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.

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