April Fools: Online Classes Outweigh Professors by Fall 2017

Rollins College

As of fall 2017, Rollins College will move all classwork online; in the following years, professors, and classrooms will become obsolete. All classes will be held solely on Blackboard and in other “virtual classrooms.”  Nick Maple ‘16 is enthralled with the coming change. “I hate sitting in boring old classrooms all day. Ya’ll need to quit making me work so much.  I would enjoy school so much more if I never even had to leave my dorm room.”

Textbooks will be purchased as eBooks, or the remaining professors can opt to use Wikipedia or fanfiction as free online textbook sources. Vice-Vice Director of Education, Eli Nobbes, says “Virtual textbooks are just as good as real textbooks. In fact, sometimes they are even better. Who wants to read about Paradise Lost when they could read a fanfiction based off of Milton’s Adam and Eve, especially if that fanfiction includes aliens, cowboys, or a love triangle to make things more interesting?  Simply put, Wikipedia is a great place for accurate summaries, and fanfiction is quickly replacing what, for many years, has been uncontested ‘classics’ with more modern, and superior, adaptations.”

The college has also decided that not only are teachers and traditional textbooks dispensable but so are most of our campus buildings. In wake of the recent budget crisis, the college has decided to auction off most of the campus’ buildings, so that the campus has extra cash on hand to fund the transition to online classwork. Several buildings have already been claimed by large corporations: Alfond Sports Center will soon be a Wal-Mart, Bush Science Center was bought by McDonalds, and Disney World plans to move their famed “Spaceship Earth,” the giant silver Epcot ball, to where Mill’s lawn currently is. Scooby Drew, a Disney World representative, claims “It has a lot of history, so we don’t want to get rid of it. But, frankly, it blocks visitor’s views of the Epcot theme park and takes up space where we could put another retail store.”

Rollins believes approximately 2.7 million dollars in profit will be accumulated from the sale of the buildings and lawn. The unsold campus buildings are available for purchase on Craigslist. A wealthy student, Shell Corp ‘16 says, “I plan to buy Orlando Hall as an early birthday present to myself. English and literature is kind of a silly department, anyways. I, like, want my own house on campus.”

The only buildings the campus currently plans to retain are the library (all the books will be sold to make room and money for more computers, Kindles, and Nooks), the campus center, and the dorms.

Dean Dillon Pickle recently stated in an interview, “I think this is a great move for Rollins College. Physical classrooms have become obsolete, as have faculty members, in general.  In fact, I think that we are moving in the direction that students will soon become obsolete, too.”

April Fools! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.

Micah Bradley

About Micah Bradley

Micah Bradley 17' is a native of Nashville and an English major at Rollins College. She has other published work with WPLN Nashville Public Radio.

Like this Article? Share it!

Leave A Response