In Batman V Superman, nobody wins

March 31, 2016 Columns, Opinion

Nick's-Picks-Design

Terrible. Lazy. Incoherent. Effortless. Heartless. Generic. These are the words that came to mind when I saw Zack Snyder’s crap opus Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. The film takes place in Snyder’s head where Batman and Superman are terrible characters, who all speak in lazily-written dialogue and are constantly assaulted by poorly-executed dream sequences. It was the fight that everyone wanted to see… until it was completely and utterly butchered.

The characters were awful. Is there any more to say? They were simplistic, unlikeable, and every single one spoke the language of exposition and philosophical nonsense. It seemed like Ben Affleck, who played Batman, was the only one trying to salvage this disaster. He actually tried to create some semblance of Batman’s character as a complex figure haunted by pain.

A convoluted savior complex. However, Zack Snyder thought that was too much work and decided that Batman should simply be an unextraordinary, brooding superhero who bores everyone with philosophical nonsense. Superman (Henry Cavill) is back and just as bad as he was in The Man of Steel (2013). He tries incredibly hard to be edgy and dark, which only results in him parodying himself within the first five minutes of the film.

Yet there is a travesty worse than our main heroes: Lex Luthor. Luthor, played by Jesse Eisenberg, is one of the worst villains I have ever laid eyes upon. He belongs in an Austin Powers movie, not a serious Batman/Superman film. I do not know what the writers were thinking when creating this character. He was a cartoon of the actual Lex Luthor—a cunning, intelligent, interesting man, and a great antagonist to Superman in the comic books.

Lex is supposed to be the Joker for Superman, and yet this Lex is lazy, contrived, and absolutely the worst part of this film. I am not even including the other disposable characters—Wonder Woman, Lois Lane, Alfred, and pretty much everyone else.

However, this film’s disappointments did not end with characterization. The film is paced so poorly that nobody could follow the action. There were, at minimum, ten or more visions or dream sequences that had no place in this film and were simply used as cheap methods of vague character development or generic plot advancement. These additions, coupled with the meandering “actual” plot, made the entire film so incoherent and lengthy that the audience was no doubt beginning to experience their own dream sequences.

As if this wasn’t enough, Mr. Snyder spends the whole film reminding you how similar Superman is to Jesus. “Superman as Jesus” was a constant annoyance in this film. Oh, and Batman is Jesus too—but a Hot Topic kind of Jesus. These heavy-handed religious parallels, which start within the first five minutes of the movie, are non-stop throughout.

Snyder also had the audacity to recruit musical genius Hans Zimmer to create this film’s score. I am so sorry that Zimmer had to tack his good name and musical talent onto this tragic trainwreck.

I am a DC Comics fan. The first comic book hero I ever grew to love was Batman. Had I only seen this film, I wouldn’t know that comic book films can be both critically and financially successful. These are not the heroes I grew up loving; these are the cardboard cutouts you see in comic stores. They are paper thin, hollow, and processed. There is not a single thing that makes this movie worthwhile. I hate you, Zack Snyder, and I want those two and a half hours of my life back. Rating: 2/10

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