Republican Candidates Play Hard To Get

April 1, 2012 Features

April Fools! The content of this post is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur or Rollins College or to be taken as factual in any way.

It is no secret that no clear Republican Party candidate has achieved consistent front-runner status for the upcoming presidential race.  What may be less commonly known is the new strategy the candidates are trying out in an effort to win more votes: playing “hard to get.” Although this tactic may sound like something out of Seventeen magazine, multiple news sources have confirmed that it is indeed the latest ploy by candidates to win the last few hundred delegates needed to secure the nomination.

The idea, which many attribute to either candidate Newt Gingrich or a teenage girl, is that instead of shamelessly pandering to voters, candidates should try to attract votes by acting in a detached, aloof manner.  The hope is that this new attitude of cool indifference will get voters’ attention, as people tend to respond favorably to a challenge (at least according to Seventeen).

For his part, Gingrich claims that the strategy is virtually foolproof. Pointing out how he has used it to seduce many a woman, he stated, “Let me put it this way — I’ve been married three times, so you could say I have a bit of experience in dealing with the female half of the species.  And believe me when I say that playing hard to get is the way to go.”  Smiling smugly, he added, “With women, it works every time — why not with voters?”

After word spread about Gingrich’s plan, other candidates were quick to follow suit.  Mitt Romney was the first to do so.  “It’s about time for a game-changing strategy,” he said, stretching his mouth into a robotic smile.  “This race has been going on long enough — I might as well just win it now.”  Romney admitted that it was his waning enthusiasm for the campaigning process that influenced his decision to adopt the new strategy.  “Frankly, the constant sucking-up to the public is getting to be exhausting — I think I’m starting to get wrinkles,” he said, in what appeared to be an attempt to make a joke.

Rick Santorum, too, expressed his approval of the idea.  “I’ve always said I thought it was important to run an honest campaign, and this idea fits right along with it,” he said.  “Instead of pretending that I care about voters’ opinions, because, let’s face it, I really don’t, I can spout off my own views without fear that I might be offending someone, like the immigrant community or every woman in America.”

The only candidate left in the race who seems to have qualms about the new strategy is Ron Paul.  “It’s not that I think it’s a bad idea necessarily,” he said. “It’s just that I’ve pretty much been doing exactly that the whole time — appealing to a select group of people and ignoring everyone else — and it hasn’t gotten me very far, vote-wise.”  Paul pointed out that from the very beginning of the race, he has campaigned only in places that he felt would seriously consider him as a candidate.  “I spent most of my time in states where I felt like I actually had a chance — Minnesota, Nevada, Maine — you know, states with reasonable people.  As for most of the southern states, I pretty much skipped over them. I mean, what’s the point? That’s hick country — there’s no hope for a rational person to be elected there.”

As the race continues, the effectiveness of the candidates’ new strategy remains to be seen.  If the testimony of teenage girls across America means anything, though, going the “hard to get” route has a high chance of success.

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