On Aug.15, I woke up to attend a funeral. And on that same day, my debut novel “If I Could Remember You Right” officially launched. That day was a mix of stirring inceptions and passing. Though one part of my life gathered in an auditorium to remember someone who was no longer with us, another part of my life had begun breaking into the real world. A year of writing, editing, and planning the book for publication, the story I had given so much of my time to became something much greater than my own.
The concurrence was becoming. “If I Could Remember You Right” is a story about memory and love, what we surrender, and what settles when the people we have once loved begin to depart. This book was written to navigate the fear of leaving or being left by someone. It explores the yearning to keep them close, only to live in its loss reflecting the absence in a completely different aspect.
I had pictured Aug.15 as a celebration for becoming a published author, but it was a day that reminded me why any story of love remembrance holds purpose to begin with.
“If I Could Remember You Right” is a contemporary romance novel focused on William Hartman, and his allurement between the memory of his first love Lena and his now fiancée, Renne. As his recollection and discernment worsen, he makes an arbitrary distinction between both women, leaving him with no choice but to face the reality that he had lost the one he ever truly loved, or rather, lost his capability to truly see her. The core of my story—can love prevail even when memory isn’t present, and even when someone changes through time, can we still see through to the roots of the person we once loved?
I took interest in the psychological themes of love, loss, and identity because I experienced first-hand what it was like to love someone unconditionally. This love and loss led me to make a similar story of my own.
I wanted to create characters and story lines that mirrored my experiences, but in a different aspect- one that I could control. Like the main female love interest, Lena Kismet, I experienced what it was like to be loved but forgotten by the one I truly cared about.
Though the story follows William, who receives a letter warning him about his 30 days left to live, I wanted readers to leave thinking about how much love can take even when everything else might fail above all else.
The Publishing Process
Writing “If I Could Remember You Right” is only one part of how I became a published author.
This book started out as pictures in a scrap journal and notes in the margin. At first, I didn’t have a central theme; I didn’t have names to any characters, or any plot to truly start the process. What I did have was a picture of two people in love in my head that had undeniable chemistry and completely different lives outside of each other. This entire book was written around two characters and the love they shared way before they and the book were named.
I slowly built scenes from pictures and ideas in my head and started writing them until each of them became their own chapter of my first manuscript. Once I had the manuscript, the process started to become a bit more difficult. I then had to worry about editing, formatting, the platform on which it would be published, cover designs, and so much more.
One of the biggest surprises was realizing how timely and precise the editing process truly is. I spent about five months reviewing and looking over everything in the book every day, as well as making changes to the structure and core of my writing. The most rewarding part about all of this was being able to hold my book in my hands at the end and see it be held by my family and friends who supported me from the very beginning to end.
From Studying to Writing
Being in the publishing process while being a full-time student at Rollins gave me a different perspective on college experience as well.
At Rollins, I am a political science major and president of the pre-Law society. As I was writing my novel, I was also balancing my classes and extracurriculars, leaving all my free time to “catch up” on my studies or write.
But Rollins inspired me in many ways through community and endless opportunities to build my future, so much so that I based the book’s college campus—Rylens—on Rollins’ lovely campus.
Being an author and a student at the same time has taught me that your capabilities are in your determination and your drive. Though it may take a season of hard work and constant attention, it is all worth success in the end.
Many More Pages to Turn
When I look back at this project, I think further than just Aug. 15 when it was released, but rather this date just feels like a starting line. A beginning for what is soon to come.
I am still a full-time student, still learning how to navigate writing, and still trying to prepare for what is next. But now I also know that with every story closed there is one waiting on the other side to be written.
“Because we all love a past version of someone and eventually walk past them when we grow,”
“If I Could Remember You Right” – Kaitlynn Torres
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