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April Fools: Stoner Students Offered New Marijuana Major

In light of the expected legalization of medicinal marijuana in Florida later this year, Rollins College is preparing a new “Herbology and Business” major. The launch of the new major is designed to better prepare students for an increasingly competitive job market in the sales and management of legalized marijuana.

Although the Rollins Greenhouse near Campus Safety will be the main department quarters, classes will also be held on the Sutton apartment balconies, somewhere inconspicuous along the shores of the lake, and in a randomly assigned room of the man cave in McKean Hall that will be identified with a glow-in-the-dark “Pink Floyd” poster that is totally sick, broseph.

The new major will be a collaboration of the existing majors and fields of study at Rollins; it will embrace the “liberal arts” tradition of being a “jack of all trades, master of none.” Confirmed classes required of majors include anthropology’s “The Stoned Age: Historic Highs,” art history’s “Tripping in Modern Museums,” Biology’s “Dude – We’re All, Like, Connected,” business & social entrepreneurship’s “How To Not Smoke All Your Own Product,” chemistry’s “The Chemistry of Dat Skank-Dank-Purp-Scurp,” Critical Media & Cultural Studies “Topic: Stoner Movies and The Capitalist Bummer,” communication’s “Public Speaking While High and Accepting That Everyone Knows It,” economics’ “Economics, Media, and How The Banks Actually Control Everything and We’re All Just Pawns, Man,” English’s “Intro to Revising While Sober,” environmental studies’ “The Environmental Conservatism of Burning Man,” history’s “Topic: Which US Presidents Were Total Stoners?,” mathematics’ “Imaginary Numbers and Other Mind-F**ks,” the music department’s “Understanding Pink Floyd,” physical Education’s “Paddleboarding,” philosophy & religion’s “The Meaning of Life and Why Plato Was Totally Right,” physics’ “Topic: Talking About Meta and Astrophysics,” political science’s “How to Prevent the System from Harshing Your Vibe,” Psychology’s “Sleep, Dreams, and Munchies – What to Do and Not to Do Before Sleep,” and sociology’s “Sociological Theory and How We’re More or Less Screwed.” Additionally, all Yoga classes will count towards the new major as well. The Career and Life Planning department opted out of collaboration on the new major for reasons they did not wish to disclose.

Other changes made in light of the new major will include: extending Grille hours, installing blacklights with glow-in-the-dark constellations in Olin Library’s pillow toom, constructing a new hot tub alongside the Sutton pool, refurbishing showers in all the dorms, and making paddleboards available for check-out at the boathouse.

Rollins will transition to a Judgment-Free campus and will construct and enforce site-specific Judgment-Allowed Zones; anyone found harshing vibes outside of these designated zones will be politely offered to chill and come play Ultimate Frisbee, dude. There have even been rumors amongst faculty that the president (who is officially changing his legal name to P. Dunc, coincidentally) will be handing out edibles on the morning of Fox Day.

It is unknown as of yet how the new major will be digested by the student body. They might complain that nothing is happening and leave class early only to find that their walk back to their dorm room is taking twice as long as it should and that Mills Lawn looks especially enticing that day.

Some might find that their meal plan seemed to last a lot longer during their previous years while others might decide that a double major in “Herbology” and “Music” with a minor in “Philosophy” will make them happy, despite how much their parents might disagree.

Doubtless, there will be those who love the new major and find that it totally opened their third eye, while others will publicly dismiss the new changes to campus life as distracting from the school’s longstanding tradition of drunkenly trashing local beaches and Fidd’s every spring semester. Representatives of both the local Dominoes and Park Ave Pizza have expressed their avid support for the new major with wide eyed enthusiasm.

April Fools! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.

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