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Hillary Clinton rigs SGA election, refuses to give up emails

The annual election of Student Government Association (SGA) President and Vice President has taken a turn in 2018 with a surprise winner. Though the race appeared to be between candidates Nagina Chaudhry and Greg Taicher against Nam Nguyen and Max Zarudnyy, neither team has emerged victorious. Instead, this year’s winner was a write-in: Hillary Clinton.

Clinton claims that she is not in need of a Vice President, considering herself capable of acting as both SGA President and Vice President for the 2018-2019 academic year.

When asked if her sadness about losing to Donald Trump in November 2016 would interfere with her leadership at Rollins, she responded, “Of course not. THis is my chance to show my governmental skills.”

As Clinton house-hunts for Winter Park homes in order to live closer to Rollins, many students and faculty are concerned that Clinton’s win did not come from a fair election.

“I’m not sure,” said Professor John Smith, head of the Political Science Department. “She didn’t even make an appearance during Lip Sync, so how could anyone have known that she was even running for SGA President and Vice President? Is that even allowed?”

America is still in turmoil after evidence arose that multiple parties, including Russia and the DNC, meddled in the 2016 presidential election between Clinton and now-President Donald Trump. Students are demanding that an investigation be launched into this year’s election, some demanding that Clinton’s emails be the first to search.

Jessica Simpson, ’20, said, “Her emails couldn’t be trusted once, so why should we trust them this time? I am sure that some evidence can trace back to her meddling.”

President Grant Cornwell sent out an official email statement earlier this week, trying to calm students about the election. He stated, “SGA conducts a very secure and efficient election process. I’m certain that nobody is capable of hacking into our voting system.”

Amidst the rumors that she won her SGA presidency from fraud, Clinton eagerly dismissed the claims: “Don’t worry about that.” When pushed for an explanation to her response, she simply shrugged and said, “I pinky-promise I didn’t meddle in the SGA elections.” With such a strong response from Clinton, many are left to question how much of a foundation these election-meddling claims actually hold.

Clinton’s term as SGA president is not planning to be postponed to allow an investigation as of now.

Since Clinton’s presidency was not accompanied by a campaign, many are curious as to what the new SGA President’s first actions will be. “I think we’ll start by removing everyone’s Rollins email address from the college server,” Clinton mused, “this is for the overall safety of the college, and my success as a President.”

SGA President Hillary Clinton is excited to begin her term in the fall, where she will require that all professors add two books to their syllabus: Fire and Fury by Michael Wolff, and What Happened by Clinton herself.


April Fools!! The content in this article is meant to be read in satire and does not represent the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff, or Rollins College.

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