Press "Enter" to skip to content

Sexperts: Secrets to a Sucsexful Valentine’s Day

Single? Taken? Either way, make sure you celebrate this year’s lovefest the right way.

Given the flood of romantic and/or depressing anticipatory posts on Facebook, it’s probably no surprise to you what holiday lurks right around the corner. Once again it is February and Walmart has sacrificed its aisles of school supplies and filled them with pink and red, chocolate and hearts, and all the rest of the gushy crap America has deemed appropriate for celebrating love.

As usual, the country is split between two extremes with regard to their outlook on Valentine’s Day, with all the loners soaking in a warm bath of their own tears and all the couples vomiting rainbows down one another’s throats because they don’t know what to do with all of their excitement. The awesome thing about this is that I have advice for both the solo roller and the wifey. Here I stand betwixt two opposing groups that share nothing but their intense passion. Here I stand as a strong, independent Sexpert just trying to make sure everybody has the hottest Valentine’s Day of their lives.

Do something ridiculous because Valentine’s Day only happens once a year.

Let’s start off with the dateless dudes and dudettes. I’m going to have to ask you right now to stop typing that status about how you’ve never had a Valentine in the entirety of your existence, or if you’ve already typed it, let’s try making you look less pitiful by going back and deleting it. Great. Now that we have that cleared up, I’m going to give you a bit of life changing wisdom: although you may be alone on Valentine’s Day, you are not alone in your loneliness. There are literally millions of people out there who have a place in their heart waiting to be filled on February 14, and I promise they’re not going to be sad if it gets filled a little late. That being said, instead of watching Pitch Perfect with your buddy for the tenth time, how about you drag yourself to the club and turn someone else’s frown upside down? The dance floor will be packed with people who are just as desperate as you to save their day from being a romantic failure, so find one you like and rock their universe. Take all that passion you’ve had stored up all these lonely months and put it to some use. Give those rusty hips a workout, smear on your favorite flavored Chapstick, and grab the nearest hottie by the lips. If you’re successful, stop by the store the next day and pick them up some frilly cards and candy when they’re on sale and you can’t be accused of being cheap. It’s a flawless recipe.

Just because you may have a Valentine lined up this year, it doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed a sexy Valentine’s Day. I have some advice for all the couples, too. Here’s a tip that you need to put into effect before you start reaching for that singing teddy bear: scrap the conventions. Flowers, hearts, and fluff are all really fantastic, but let’s be real. Roses die, human hearts aren’t even shaped that way, and all those stuffed animals just clash with your bedroom decorations. Give your significant other something that will last for years. Give them a memory. Bros, go buy a hot pink banana hammock and give your honey a strip tease to their favorite song. Cook them dinner and serve it on your massive pecks. Ladies, buy a bikini made out of Smarties and wear it while you bake your significant other a double fudge German chocolate banana surprise upside down cake. Do something ridiculous because Valentine’s Day only happens once a year. Do it for the love, do it for the laughs, and then you’ll definitely get to do it at the end of the night. Don’t fall into a lousy routine while you’ve still got your spunk. Don’t make it like any other Valentine’s Day; make it the Valentine’s Day that reminds you how much you care about each other.

Single or taken, Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to let loose and indulge in the fiery emotions of another human being. Don’t pass it up.

Be First to Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.