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Sorority girl gets “too turnt”, turns into mannequin


Once upon a time, Dogwitch O’Spooky ‘∞ was just your average sorority girl, gossiping with her friends and hanging out on her sorority house’s balcony. However, after one “too-turnt” night out with her sisters, O’Spooky found herself feeling faker than usual. Little did she know, her excessive drinking along with the vibrations coming from the club’s subwoofer were permenantly changing the molecular makeup of her body. From skin and bones to plastic and polymers, O’Spooky was forced to  live her day-to-day life as a human mannequin. Now, O’Spooky, an anthropology major, is making waves on Rollins’ campus.

Known for her impressive occult skills, O’Spooky is the founder of the Rollins Moon Club, an organization devoted to performing monthly moon ceremonies. The club found its origin from O’Spooky’s spontaneous sacrifice of a moon pie on a calm winter night; it has since progressed into organized rituals taking place every full moon.

“Our goal as an organization is to please the moon,” said O’Spooky. The moon is tricky business, she said.

“Sometimes the moon brings bad juju. It’s important to only perform rituals under the supervision of a professional, such as myself,” O’Spooky warned. “I can’t say much more about our club. Our constitution mandates complete and total secrecy.”

Originally from the pits of Hell, O’Spooky now works as a waitress at Waffle House.

“It’s not much, but it certainly pays the bills,” she said. “Plus, it works with my schedule. I tend to lean towards the nocturnal lifestyle.”

Dogwitch O’Spooky is currently at the head of her class. She attributes her academic success to the lake gods. “I’ve worked with the lake gods for centuries. After sacrificing my first born to them, good fortune has fallen upon my household,” she said.

In her spare time, O’Spooky says that she enjoys swiping through Tinder, bloodletting, and reading romance novels.

“Tinder is always an adventure. I’m just looking for something real,” she said. “I’m not like other girls. There’s always guys who are trying to understand the real me, but they really don’t realize is that I have a hard exterior and am hollow on the inside.”

As she looks forward to the future, O’Spooky is on a bright path. She was recently awarded a Fulbright to Transylvania to study vampirism and, as she describes it, “goffix stuff xD.”


“April Fools’! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the views of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.”

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