Ward burglars scurry off with precious valuables

The reign of terror recently unleashed on Ward Hall in the forms of vandalism, burglary, and vomit has finally ended.

From puke-filled bathrooms to stolen iPads, residents have suffered a wave of difficulties but managed to endure.

Ward Hall has been violated in numerous ways, from lost wallets and missing watches to mismatched socks, single high-heels, and broken umbrellas strewn across the first-floor hallways. No student has been safe from the malicious masterminds responsible.

Residents can now breathe a sigh of relief and take down the Wanted Dead or Alive posters littered around campus. It is with much pride that campus security has captured the culprits: the Felonious Brothers.

These criminals are not only fierce, feisty, and underhanded; they are also devious in the worst ways imaginable. Trained from birth to perfect the act of crime, residents of Ward Hall stood no chance against these three brothers.

Upon capture, one of the triplets, Dominic Felonious, had only this to say: “We may be tiny, but we are mighty!”

And just how little the vandals are might surprise you, considering the extent of the trouble they created.

Tragically abandoned at birth on the steps of Knowles Chapel, the three squirrel siblings were raised for years in the confines beneath Ward Hall, kept secret by a sympathetic Rollins horticulturist.

Although some have found the fuzzy bandits amusing, this journalist believes nothing is funny about the situation at all.

 

“April Fools’! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the views of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.”

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