Twilight Disappoints Again

Twilight: what you watch when you want to drain the life out of a perfectly good evening.

Not only were countless 13-year-old girls pouring into the theaters at midnight on Friday, Nov. 18, but so were many members of the Rollins community.

The next morning, Facebook was littered with pictures of Rollins students and staff posing in front of cardboard cutouts of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen and Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black in their local movie theaters. Women nationwide bonded over their love of sparkling vampires and six-pack ridden wolf-boys.

After hearing how wonderful the movie was for the 50th time, I decided to go see it the Friday of its release. I had not been impressed by any of the Twilight films so far, but this one had to have something going for it, right?

Wrong.

Breaking Dawn was horrifying. Throughout the film, I felt like I was the one having the baby — not because of how engrossing the plot was or because Kristen Stewart was a believable pregnant teenager; rather because of the constant spouts of intense boredom, the dismaying moments where I either had to laugh at the stupidity or cry because I chose (and in this case paid) to put myself through this hell, and the sweet relief when I was able to walk out of the theater with all of the pain, blood and disgust behind me.

Although Lautner is still as hot as he was in New Moon, the horrifying voice-over mimicking the wolves talking to one another ruined any hope for this traumatizing film. Rather than portraying the excellent scene in the novel — when Jacob breaks away from Sam’s pack to protect Bella — the filmmakers managed to create a confusing screenshot bouncing between different wolves, all while the audience is bombarded with various sounds and voices that simply do not come across as remotely believable.

For a series that prides itself on special effects, it seriously fell short.

Stewart still stinks as an actress. I don’t know how it is possible to be paid millions of dollars to stand still and have a pained look on your face, even when you are supposedly with your soul mate, but she has managed to do it four times now, with one more movie in the works. I suppose I should be congratulating her rather than putting her down.

For a real-life couple, the sex scenes between her and Pattinson were unbelievable and managed to make me uncomfortable due to their awkwardness. If that is what it is like when the two of them try to forcibly show passion, I can hardly imagine how pathetically bland it is in real life.

Normally after each Twilight film, I make an effort to rent it from the library and watch it with my family at home. But after experiencing Breaking Dawn once, I would prefer to experience childbirth rather than have to watch it again.

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